Long overdue, huh?
I bet it's crossed your mind what this might be about and what BEOKAY truly is or came from. In advance, I apologize for remaining a bit vague since first launching in May 2024. Explaining myself didn't feel necessary, and I was still figuring out what I wanted to create. However, with enough time gone by, I'd like to give you some background...
Hey there, I'm Jessie, a multidisciplinary artist based in Amsterdam.
Earlier this year, I returned to Colombia, where my mother is from and where I call home. I had spent the last five years traveling back and forth in an attempt to care for my mental well-being since I had started feeling poorly/depressed a few months after landing first in Amsterdam in late 2020. I had been trying to make life work in The Netherlands despite feeling unworthy every passing day. Only now do I realize how impactful the people and the environment you surround yourself with are. How friendships, romantic relationships, and coworkers can either build you up or bring out stored trauma from deep within your brain cells 😳.
In my case, it was all drowning me slowly, bringing afloat hidden wounds regarding a past of abuse and sexual assault... leaving me with exposed, bleeding injuries. Last summer, as a desperate attempt to bring joy and feel hopeful amongst beautiful canals and crooked houses, I took my less-than-one-year-old puppy, Penny, to live with me and see if that would be the aid and company I needed to feel like myself again. To stop feeling profoundly damaged and alone.
But it didn't stick, and although this dog was, and continues to be, one of the biggest blessings I could've asked for, she's tiny, and her company wasn't enough to amend the yearning for genuine friendships and a sense of belonging we all want and need.
To add to the mix, I call myself an artist, right? Except by 2023, I hadn't picked up a pen to journal with, let alone canvas to drip my signature textured paintings on. It all felt foreign and out of place. Old Jessie wasn't there. I felt no appetite or strength to shower, and my days were filled with attempts to distract my mind with long walks with Penny, coffee, cold swims in the lake, and endless crocheting.
If this hadn't happened to me, it would be someone telling me their story... I would never believe it to be true since it sounds straight out of a film, doesn't it? A sad, ostracized girl with a dog who doesn't fit in. Who's texting friends for a coffee, for a walk, to catch up, and is left on 'read' by 90% of them is unreal. Don't get me wrong; I don't feel bitter about it. Well... at least not anymore, haha... maybe I was more sad and depressed than I thought; maybe my deep desire to no longer exist was palpable, although even I believe that when hanging out, my smile was genuine. The truth is, we will never know why we fall out of touch with people around us, why heartbreak is all around us, why abuse and trauma even exist, and why mental illnesses affect so many. Suffering is part of life, and as C.S. Lewis writes in a book I do highly recommend, The Problem of Pain, a world without pain and injustice wouldn't be possible since to "try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free-wills involve, you find that you have excluded life itself."
Although devastating then, it opened my eyes to the fact that Amsterdam and I weren't compatible.
I felt my spirits lift only after about three months back in Colombia. Blame my closeness with my mother, the blissful solitude allowing me to focus purely on healing, proper psychotherapy, or the lack of rent/work stress. Still, I was suddenly excited enough to start creating something for myself—something I could feel proud of despite doubts about success, outside judgment, and
imposter syndrome. Fortunately, I already had a portfolio of projects I had managed to create during the depths of sadness. And all I needed was to find an outlet and start sharing.
That brings us to today... nearing the end of 2024 with a selection of art that turned into prints up for purchase, wearable pieces, crocheted items (wink, wink), a blog, and a soon-approaching advent calendar.
This is to spread awareness and hopefully create some proximity to those who have or are struggling with their mental well-being and sense of self. Yes, this is incredibly corny, but you are not alone; you're not forgotten, and you are, without a doubt, undeniably worthwhile. Keep your head up. I'm overjoyed to continue figuring out and creating art that brings out the best in us alongside you. Whoever you are that made it through this post... from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
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